Lest you be snared by a hopeless drone.

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Drone Daries
Current Anime: Kami-sama no Memo-chou episode 5
Music Playing: Jericho, Weekend players, Youtube video. 
Wearing: Blue head phones, Green sweat shirt, pink boy shorts, and pink flip flops. I straighten my hair earlier today. It's completely wind blown from the day that when I got home today I pinned my right side with a sliver metal clip. I also have makeup on which the last time I put makeup on was June 3rd. just simple deep purple eyeliner just at the tips of my eyes, pink blush and translucent powder, with carmex chapstick on my lips. Which burns every time I put it on. I've been biting my lips, and in the heat they seem to chap a lot more. 
Dinner: More beef stew with white rice, dessert was chocolate pudding and a ding dong. I cut my nails today so they feel a bit nubbly. went to the the dollar movies, saw Clash of the Titans, and Mirror Mirror. Wore my green dress and black tights with my bookkeeper heels, and a black knitted sweater over it.. Today another fact was proven, the heat makes me cranky. Felt so irritated by everyone around me. All the people that came in my path today made me angry for some reason. After awhile I felt like a drunk person. slurring my words and laughing insanely loud. But as soon a that sun dropped and the night sky started to emerge I felt awaken once again. A bit more lively. I drove again today, a smaller little truck and it scared me a bit, going 45 felt like I was going 65 almost wanted to slam on the breaks every time there was a bend in the road. It really freaked me out a bit. Up until this point I have been driving cars, a truck was a little different,. I have been playing Jericho none stop, Today in the truck as I was driving a song suddenly came into mind. Cielito Lindo... Almost like an echo of someone else's emotion in my heart. It warmed my heart I knew that there was no ill will in the song. Almost like a comfort. It made me think of my dad and it sadden me a bit to never have what most people had with their fathers. Cielito LIndo was almost like a comfort that everywhere around me there is love surrounding me. I felt it today in the wind, wild and strong coming down to show the urgent need to embrace me. Was I down today, well not down. Just wondering where my life is going. It seems more a mystery to me now more than ever. I keep looking for that hook that will propel me to the next step. I am prepping for it now I am just waiting. I wonder if there is more I need to do I guess beating down doors is another way of going about it. The desert heat is disgusting. I really hate summers in the desert.I was wondering about how letting go of someone you love because they refuse to grow up is a tragic thing. Not because you fall out of love but because their refusal to advance to the next level. There is only so much a person can handle before they need to move on for their sake. If not they end up in a life that is never changing or growing. I can understand that. Maybe there aren't any jobs for me right now. I have to grow up but refuse to so therefor have exhausted all possible opportunities. I wonder what is out there for me now? I find that the more I look the more I realize I have no idea what I am doing. It sounds so simple. Find job, pay bills, go to school. Finish school, work in field. There are some obvious gaps like get car, find permanent home, etc, etc. Still others with half a mind seem better at it than I do. how can be so useless, I only know how to care for others. I haven't the slightest clue as to what to do for myself. If I am not feeding, caring, cleaning, yelling, pushing, encouraging someone I don't know what to do with myself. Free time to me seems to be time that will cause others to be angry with me. Am I happy well Yes and no. I am grateful for the encouragement that I got growing up in a tough situation. I am happy that I got to meet people that loved me enough to worry about me. Meeting my father again after so long. Living the life I've lived can't be replaced. All the things that I have experienced have made me grateful to be alive so in that sense I am happy. I am not happy because I wish to be more of help and it seems that I fall short. I guess I don't stay long enough in one place to see it manifest into something great. I keep thinking maybe this time I will stay and not leave. My feet will be on solid ground, then I find I'm off again pulled from the roots, yet again. I guess I am a poisonous Ivy... One that must be pulled from the roots I must be more careful, like a plant that must cared for with extreme caution lest death come swift. These are all things I think of... One day, being me wont be so bad, but for now I wish I wasn't so poisonous. 


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