Lest you be snared by a hopeless drone.

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Drone Daries
Not enough sleep and lost thoughts cloud my mind. I find that there is peace in my sleep. But then there are the dreams of being yelled at by an old friends family... I find that I am really short and very serious with those around me. A couple of beers brings out a nicer mood which everyone seems to enjoy more than the bitchy me... lol That's probably why I drank tonight. A mile stone today start school in August finished all the paperwork today. I needed a bit of freedom tonight from my mind... A favorite quote from an old friend pops in to mind. Shut up brain. I can't help but feel so filled with joy right now the beer is acting up. I just want to twirl around and around under the warm night listening to this song over and over again. Talk about a great meditation song. My heart swells with all the emotions I have kept in for so long. Longing, sorrow, happiness, everything that has buried itself in me and has kept me from expressing how I feel. It's a mixture of Hawaiian, Indian, and Persian. Nothing quite like it I wish to fill my senses with it always. It reminds me of dancing in the rain when no one is watching. Like the nights up on the roof while the world slept and all you felt was the warm wind on your face. The stars dancing their own little tune entertaining the moon with stories of beings from all around the galaxy. Strange, yes I feel like a strange one sometimes. time for another beer... hold on a second. Hello, I feel the keys on this computer and I can't help but feel their sleekness under my finger tips and I marvel at how beautiful it is. Mile away someone can read the very thoughts that come out. From light years away my information will be sent to some magic cloud that stores all the letters that were deleted. All the pictures that were removed and forgotten. It brings me some comfort in knowing that someplace out there there is a record of how happy we were. How happy everyone was before it was deleted... I went shooting again I am getting better you know. I would have never been so comfortable with a gun had I not be shown how wonderfully amazing they really are. I think that caliber is a very wonderful word and all things should have that word in it... Cold is not true when it comes to rifles, it's the most intimate thing in the world to shoot one. First you have to press you cheek up against the gun, and you wonder why it feels so cold you have to look into the very soul just to get a good shot, and press it firmly against you to make sure that you become one with it... it's like an extension of you, the smell and then the recoil instantly you shut your eyes from the power that explodes outward. A rifle is taken apart and cleaned from top to bottom you know it better than any best friend. It has become a passion... I am so glad that I can do it freely, I feel bad for those who will never be able to go to the range and destroy a target stand just because you want to unload... Maybe I should stop drinking. 

This song amplified my mood, for the last two days I have been playing it none stop. And when I can't play the song, it plays in my mind. It's amazing how much it moves me. Like something digging deep within me is being brought out. I can't help but ask what is this feeling? Love? Hope? Faith? What is it. Like a trance it sways me in my most inner most being. And all I want to do is hold on to something. But what am I holding on for. There is nothing left that would call me back. The path before me is set and I travel alone. Yet somehow flickering in my soul is this feeling. Like a wave I feel it coming but what is it? Where does it come from? I am not enlighten yet this light follows me beckoning my steps to follow in the beat. A pulse in that sounds to only those who want to hear it. Did I really want to hear such a thing? I must have just stumbled on it. The great dance of the universe and I am like some child not know how precious the dance really is. I wonder in amazement.

Tonight it's a little different. Tonight I sense a pull towards feelings that are kept under lock and key. I can't help and write these words but I am selfish. I need to disconnect this string that pulls me. It's not fair to keep something this painful going. I know that even as I disfigured this heart of mine, no one will know the extent of just how deep this love ran. I must keep that to myself and I will. Forlorn love, treating one who is just a forlorn. There are gaps in this paragraph that will die with me words that will be echoing in my heart forever and put to rest near my soul never to be told. Never again will it put me there again.

I must say good night.    


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