Lest you be snared by a hopeless drone.

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Drone Diaries
This last week has been a very tiring experience first with having to finish up paperwork for school to ensure that I start in August. Then with looking for work, everyday going to see if there is possibly something that will be good for me while I'm in school. I was starting to feel a little bit overwhelmed. I kept thinking how am I going to get through all of this? Always being cheerful and trying my best to put my best face forward. Well this whole month has been a series of paperwork and meeting with so many people that everything seems to blur together. 

A chance encounter: 

For a week now I have been attending job fairs and job classes for a week, I dress up and hit the pavement. At these events there was always a person there dressed in a blue shirt and jeans. In the waiting room he would stand awkward, shuffling his feet from side to side. Mostly because of how he looked but also because of his weight. There was a sense of self doubt and insecurity but mostly there was an air of hopelessness. Like no one could possibly understand what was happening in his life. He reminded me of someone who has been told many times over and over again 'don't call us we'll call you'. I thought of all the people I have met and all how they have influenced me to think better of myself when I was feeling down. So I started talking to him. Mostly about work and interviews. (I feel bad I don't even know his name.) I remember that it was awkward for him to talk to me because I guess I was a girl and girls usually don't talk to guys like him. There was never a sense of liking or anything like that. It was just that fact that someone talked to him like a human being for once in what seemed like a long time. It wasn't that I felt bad it for him, I felt that maybe talking about the fails that I have experienced looking for work. Interviewing and being passed by for a thinner more beautiful person. How discouraged I felt every time I would get a call for an interview and end up with no job. I guess it resonated with him because after that he would talk about himself. I found out all sorts of things like right now he bounces from couch to couch. His only relative here is his grandmother but she has Alzheimer's so some of the time she doesn't know who he is. So if he can't stay at his grandmothers or find a couch to sleep on he sleeps in his van on the streets. Then he talked about how because of the way he looks most people are scared of him. They judge him, he pointed out all the things wrong with him, I guess so that I would not say them to him or judge him for it. I can't properly explain how speaking about the struggles he was going through made me feel about the things that I was going through. I left him with encouraging words and went our separate ways. After that I kept thinking about how I have cried and complained about how hard I had it. I never put in any work and when there was work to be done I would cry about it and would get angry for even being asked to do things. I wondered if this was part of the process of getting to the next level. Taking responsibility for the childish tantrums I threw and tried to blame on others. This whole experience was humbling and I have to say that if there should be tears shed it should be for those who sleep alone without hope and anyone who they can talk to. Like a spoiled child seeing how hard life can be. So I cry. You know I never did get his name. But still thank you, 

I have realized that I never properly thanked the people who have helped me with no regard for something in return. Too little to late but I believe that my gratitude will forever be with them in whatever stage in life they may be. Because of them I didn't lose my innocence completely so tonight where ever you are, Thank you. I am stronger, and I come up with different solutions. I no longer sit helpless waiting for someone to rescue me. I am fighting to survive, but mostly I am fighting to live a full life, full of happiness and understanding. I can't change the things that happened or the pain that was caused because of my childish spoiled way. So I am learning how to start over. It feels weird talking to people I don't know making new friends. Not knowing which path I have to take or who I will meet or where I will end up. But I am grateful. 

What am I doing tonight? Listening to soothing music online thinking about how much love I have experienced in my life and the family who loved me and the people who encouraged me to never give up. In their memory I will remember to cherish everyday and everyone. A lesson learned the hard way. 


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