Lest you be snared by a hopeless drone.

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Just Another Blue Drone Rant
My Blue Period
Someone told me not to think about what I am going to write but write whatever comes to mind. Well there is Something that has been weighing on my mind but as of late looms over me. A bad feeling of something not yet known disturbs me into a very serious state of  intense seclusion. I can feel a heavy trail ahead and I don't know how to fix it. My family used me for so long, I thought that maybe if I gave them all of me it would heal something inside of me. I thought that if I made them all need me, I would be loved. I made the boundaries so unclear, blurring them into a backwards family from 'undisclosed area' causing them to not be able to function in a normal human society, setting. I babied them. I felt bad for being abandoned by my family that I tried to make the best so that they could have the a family I really could never have. But I messed up big time. Now it's worse than before and the more I stay away the more I am the bad guy. The more I help, the more I enable them to never take charge of their lives. Which I am not doing so hot there myself. Like a, fresh out of signing the paper divorcee giving her single friend advice on the dynamics between two people in a monogamous caring relationship. I just don't have the mental capacity to help anyone right now.  I am so glad that I don't have any children right now I messed up so many lives as it is. Parenting is really hard, it just sucks that I am the parent in my family. Like I didn't deserve to be a young worry free teen. Like I didn't deserve to be an awesome older sister. Instead I am mom to a brother who is lost without a road map of his life laid out in front. Not that he would take it because the pressure to be a man is no longer inside of him. He gave that up long ago. Now take a mother who cant figure out if she's in love with 2 men or 4 men. Isn't ashamed to go begging to the people who hurt her. And a sister that thought having a baby could never happen to her because her older sister is broken and cant have any of her own and since we look a like we must be the same person. And a little sister who because of all the moves cant make a friend to save her life. Stuck in a childlike state, where she may be in for years and years which is great, mom, because then not only will her self esteem be low but she'll be naive too. And it soo hard not to meddle, a cry for help is screaming in my ear but I cant heed the call. My family in chaos and all I can think about is, I need to finish school. I need to finish school. I need to finish school. I need to finish school.

I'm 25 soon to be 26 and I still feel pulled into the crazy turmoils of my family. I don't even know how to turn it off. I can't come to the rescue anymore and it kills me.  Inside I feel like I've let everyone down. But they don't see it. I avoid them. I can't talk to them i feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. When will i stop being punished for being bad? Just a little break in the clouds would be nice, just a little one, OK a big break. I don't ask for help but I need help. I really need help. Oh God, tonight is not a good night. usually these night I just cry into my pillow. But I can't here. The thing is If I don't get my things together I can't help them in any way. If I go back to that sad state of existence; I could never be a change that I wish my family would take the initiative for. Then we go and beg people who use our misfortune for their amusements. At a price, everything we get is at a price. That's why I am always afraid of receiving things. To me it's strings attached to a little help. So I miss out on everything and push out everyone. But I can't do it. How do you solidify a hope that has been pulverized? I emanate the failures everyone decided to bestow on me, and I the fool for allowing it to happen; but now that I am here trying to rectify the problem I allowed bitter, hateful bastards give me, a new problem arises... The constant attack on my esteem, confidence, and little determination I still have due to the bit of pride I've been able to salvage throughout this whole humiliating ordeal. Then it's the constant nagging of my conscience. Not enough. At this point I am not saying others have it worse then I, At this point I'm too busy trying to get school started. At this point I am busy trying to make it in a world where looking like Kat Dennings, while still being able to be taken seriously as an intellectual equal, amongst a vast ocean of brainy heavy weights. Is the ultimate goal and when it's not accomplished, because it's physically impossible to be that insanely hot without compromising something like your soul, results in a loop of self disappointment. Then that bit of confidence gets thrown out the window. My every idea in not even an original thought, it's just something I've gotten up to speed on after years of being out of the knowledge loop...  

Wow all that sounded less dramatic in my brain. Well now that I made myself the biggest wussy on the whole planet. I am focusing on my life recovery. And saying whole heartily, fuck you, from the bottom of my heart I hope you rot someplace between heaven and hell never receiving either one. May you not find solace in small comforts as you go through a trying times. May the hum drum of your everyday life be filled with stupid stuff that have absolutely no meaning what so ever. And then I hope I never see you so that you may never have the opportunity to apologize and appease your restless soul, not that you have a soul. May your mistakes be forever etched in your heart like all the scars that were carved so ruthlessly on me, you too shall bare the constant reminder of your mistakes. And may all your pain and suffering not be enough to earn you sympathy from those you love... Who am I talking about when I say this well everyone that wished that on me. To be honest rereading this last paragraph I admit I don't wish that on anyone. Despair is not something I wish on anyone, Have been surrounded by it my whole life I don't want it for anyone. It just feels nice to cus out a faceless blob of people who've hurt me and ran off and enjoyed their lives not even thinking about what they did to me. I needed to say that even if they didn't hear it and will never hear it and probably never know how much they hurt someone else. I wanted to at least defend myself from the memory of all my hurt.

Drone out rant done. 


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